This morning on MSNBC's "Morning Joe" there was a segment about women staying at home vs. women in the work force. I would suggest watching it before reading my article.
I started college with the goal of graduating with my music education degree, moving to Chicago by myself, teaching inner-city middle school music, and changing the world. I am smart, I am passionate about my beliefs and values, and I am a very quick learner. I had no doubt in the world that I couldn't do what I wanted to do. There hadn't ever been anything I wanted that I didn't work for and get for myself. All I knew was success at the highest level.
Three and a half years through my undergrad, I was still going strong. I was taking graduate level education research classes for fun, I had started competitive ballroom dance to expand my understanding of music and make me a better future educator, and I still had every intention of moving to Chicago and changing education in urban schools.
And then I fell in love. Hard. It wasn't "I love you until we graduate and I leave" like my previous relationships had been. It was "I love you forever." The guy I fell in love with I'd known for 4 years, so it wasn't a "whirlwind romance" or anything crazy like that. But within two months of being with him, I wanted to get married, have kids, and be a stay-at-home mom. I had never seriously thought that in my life. When you're young you think, "Someday I want to get married," and that thought had crossed my mind, but it was never really a part of my plan. Ever.
I went through a crisis: suddenly I, this powerhouse woman who was raised to go after her dreams and test boundaries, was wanting to be domestic?! Why was I presenting my research at state conferences when I wouldn't use it? Why did I hate cleaning the kitchen, but wanted to be a stay-at-home mom? Why had I never changed a diaper and only ever babysat anyone once in my life, but now I wanted kids??
I talked to my boyfriend about it and he was fine with the change in my plan (he didn't really want to move to Chicago, anyway!). Both of us had been raised by very present parents (my mom didn't go back to work until I was 10) and he was thrilled that I wanted to stay at home with our kids!
But I wasn't. How could someone who was on a full scholarship to college and didn't ever touch IQ tests because she was scared of the results being too high (teeny bit arrogant--sorry!) stay at home with kids? How on earth could that possibly be fulfilling for me?! At the same time, having kids and reading to them and playing with them and cleaning up their puke and all the other bodily fluids was suddenly what I wanted more than anything. (Even now as I'm writing this, that last sentence brought tears to my eyes because having a baby or two and getting to be with them is still my greatest hope.)
I started to realize that it was possible for me to have both: a career and a family. I would just teach for a few years after graduation so we could save up some money and then when we decided to have a baby I could quit for a few years so I could stay at home. Once the kids were in elementary school, I could go back to work. Seemed like a pretty good plan; and then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
That was a year ago. I've since gotten engaged to the aforementioned man (He was so amazing to propose to someone with a diagnosis like mine!). We are still planning on having kids, but now we might have to wait longer because I can't teach. I don't have a job (For those of you who saw my post about getting a job last week...she never called me back. Very unhappy about that.) so we are living on one salary, not living on one salary while saving the other salary. I don't even know if I physically can have kids. Fibro patients statistically have more trouble getting pregnant than healthy women. Also, I'm in so much pain at 110 pounds that I don't know what putting another 40 or 50 on would do to me. And then when I have the kid, taking care of them 24/7 might prove to be too much for my stress levels, which means my pain levels would go up and I would be essentially non-contributing to anything. Those will all be bridges to cross in the future.
*Takes deep breath*
So. Like one of the women on the panel this morning said, "Feminism is getting to choose what we want and telling people what we need." I have actually realized in the last year that I like baking, sewing, knitting, designing, and everything else I backed away from because I thought it was too "girly." Even though I had already made the decision that I was going to be a stay-at-home mom when we have kids and now I know I would love it, I feel like my "choice" was made for me a little prematurely.
Joanna Coles, editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, asked today on the panel, "Is there something innate in women that makes us anxious that we can't do it all?" For those of us who have the world at our fingertips and all we have to do it step into it to succeed, yes. Yes, I am anxious that I'm not doing enough in relation to the amount of intellect that I have. But I am doing what I know how to do: succeed. It might not seem like it, because I'm not bringing in a six-figure salary like she is, but progress is success, and I am progressing.
My decision to stay at home with my kids and then my fibromyalgia diagnosis has made my "job" right now very complicated. My job is to find a way to feel fulfilled and contribute to our little family, while not physically shutting down. I'm not getting to contribute financially very much right now, but I'm using the skills I have to build an empire that will be profitable in the next few years. ChickOpinion wasn't in existence seven months ago. Now, I've got over 500 Twitter followers and 60 articles published on an outside website. I have people asking me for help with their writing. I share lesson plan ideas and educators with more degrees than I do love them. And I give women like me hope. Women who had it all...and, through no fault of their own, lost it. We will succeed, because I will settle for nothing less.
So for me, I will be a stay-at-home mom. This is a choice I have made. But I will also be the founder and CEO of my own company (ChickOpinion) and nonprofit (in the works) by the time I'm 30. It might not make millions of dollars and put me on the "30 Under 30 to Watch" list, but it will be immensely fulfilling for me and I will get to read to my kids every day. I will get to see my children take their first steps while helping thousands of women who feel as lost as I did a year ago learn to thrive. How can I see any of my future as a negative? It's everything I could possibly want--and it's the best of both worlds.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi
Awesome blog! What could be better and more important than raising a responsible, loving, happy human being who then contributes in her/his own special way to our world?!
ReplyDeleteI was a stay-at-home mom of 4 for 22 years and absolutely loved it. I was there for everything in my childrens' lives--I even loved changing their diapers! Along with raising my children, I volunteerd in church-teacher, on committees-PTA-committee chair, officer positions-, classroom mom, sports team mom,and so on....
I value and am so very grateful for all I was able to do and be. I have a college degree and worked 1 year in my field before becoming a mom. My husband made a very good living so that I could 'stay home', coached all our kids sports, was leader of their groups/clubs, and supported me on days when I was completely overwhelmed. My husband and I were/are partners in this endeavor. I couldn't have done it as well without him and he couldn't have raised 4 kids without me. There weren't too many women or men in my position, but I did find a bookclub and card club to join in my neighborhood with like-minded moms who wanted to have some adult interaction! I've always been very proud of what I (and my husband) have accomplished: we've raised 4 happy, healthy, drug-free, confident, responsible and accomplished children. This certainly beats any 'career' I may have had! It's not for everyone-in fact I totally respect and understand people who don't want to have children at all, prefering to focus on themselves and their careers(my oldest child has chosen this path!). I just think it's about time that we again value the virtues and importance of raising healthy, happy families and parenthood in general! Thanks for allowing my comment on this subject!Best of luck in your pursuits!
Thank you for this comment! You sound like a fantastic mom! I can't wait to join groups and find like-minded people like you did. I agree with you that it's not for everyone and that our husbands are definitely essential parts of being a stay-at-home mom. Thank you so much for sharing your story--there need to be more people like you!
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to be educated and good at your career and give that up and you shouldn't have to. Having the choice is the best thing in the world and it takes some time and thought and readjusting as things feel right. I gave it all up but I missed having my own outlet for creativity and accomplishment so I started something I could do from home- blogging- and I love it and I love being at home for my kiddos!
ReplyDeleteI so agree! :-) That's one of the reasons I started my blog and Etsy shop--to give myself that outlet. Thanks so much!
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