Newtown and the Nation: Looking Forward

I know that all of you have been inundated with the news of the Newtown, Connecticut school shooting on Friday. There's some part of me that feels like I shouldn't write about it, since that's all we've been hearing about since Friday. There's a larger part of me, however, that sees this as something that warrants pause and thought. So here goes.

The children and teachers who were senselessly killed on Friday will leave a hole in the hearts of not only their parents and families, but our entire nation. We've been hearing stories over the last couple of days about those children: their favorite activities, what they'd hoped to do in the future, and the joy they brought to their families and everyone around them. They sound like amazing kids. The faculty who were killed sound like stellar teachers and administrators. They will not be forgotten.

Last night President Obama attended the interfaith memorial service in Newtown. The speech he gave was, in my opinion, one of the best he's given. The overall message was incredibly poignant: "...every parent knows there's nothing we will not do to shield our children from harm...This is our first task, caring for our children. It's our first job. If we don't get that right, we don't get anything right. That's how, as a society, we will be judged. And by that measure, can we truly say, as a nation, that we're meeting our obligations? Can we honestly say that we're doing enough to keep our children, all of them, safe from harm? Can we claim, as a nation, that we're all together there, letting them know they are loved and teaching them to love in return?...I've been reflecting on this the last few days, and if we're honest with ourselves, the answer's no. We're not doing enough. And we will have to change...For those of us who remain, let us find the strength to carry on and make our country worthy of their memory."

While some people take the most obvious issue from this tragedy (gun control) and talk about it, I think we can do better than that. Yesterday, like every Sunday in the fall, I watched football. During the commercials, there were a few previews for television shows that were incredibly disturbing. At the end of them, they all had "Viewer Discretion Advised" written at the top of their last frame. But the previews were shown during the day in the middle of a football game: something that's on in millions of households across America. There was another commercial during the game for a new video game (I don't remember, nor can I find the name of it) in which you have "kill or be killed." It was horrifying. Even though it had an "M for Mature" rating, little kids saw that commercial during the football game and the ones without strict parents will get it if they say that they want it.

We can let the people in Washington argue about what laws they feel are important to pass. A lot of us have opinions on that, too, and that's fine, but that's just the political side of it.

We need to change our society. We have to decide to change. We have to turn off the TV when our kids are home and we know there will be scary things shown, even if it's "our game" that's on. We have to choose to parent our kids and tell them "no" about certain things. We have to teach our kids to love by showing them the love we have for them from the minute they take their first breaths. We have to teach our kids what's right. We have to teach peace. We have to work to "make our country worthy of their memory." We cannot depend on laws to change our society and instill peace in our nation. It starts at home with the family.

And it is work. I love football so much and I hate to think that I'm going to miss watching a lot of "my games" once I have kids, but I'm not going to let my kids watch that. It is work to be a good parent. You have to fight those fights that are hard. But you have to fight them. I was such a stubborn kid when I was little and my parents fought those fights with me and never let me win. I was so angry with them every time I lost those fights. But now I understand why they fought those fights with me and why they were right. Parents need to remember that it's not a popularity contest with their kids and they don't need to be their kids' friends when they're 10 years old. If parents do the hard parenting when their kids need it, the friendship will come later.

Tonight, hug your kids. Talk with your husband or wife about how your family will get through this hard, sad time. Let your kids feel whatever they're feeling right now and express those feelings in the safe ways they need to express them. Never forget this tragedy and victims of it. Let's work together to make sure that we "make our country worthy of their memory."

An angel hand-painted by my great-great aunt Ida Collins. It seemed appropriate for today.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

Family Never Goes Out of Style

Part of me feels like I should write about the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show that aired last night, but I didn't watch it. That, and you all already know exactly what I think about that show. I felt that there is something a little bit more important than the fashion show.

I spent 11 years of my childhood in Montana and lived only an hour away from my grandparents. We went to church and had lunch with them every Sunday. Even though we moved away, I've done my best to stay in touch with them. I try to call once a week and I know it really makes them happy. It makes me happy because I get to stay in touch with people who helped shape my childhood.

My grandmother had surgery last week to remove a cancerous tumor from her colon. She's 88 and my grandfather is 86, so of course, we were a little bit concerned. She is fine, thank goodness! It really made me think about my family, though.

My fiancé and I visited them in Montana this last summer and they gave us copies of all their genealogy stuff: letters, family trees, transcripts of tapes, birth records from family Bibles, etc. My grandma was tired of having to spread the family tree out over the whole living room floor to see it, so I said I would work on it to make it so it could fit where she could see it. Little did I know what I was getting myself into.

I've been working on this for a few weeks now and I thought getting five or six generations on one piece of paper was going to be the hard part. But then I started trying to find some of my ancestors' birthdays and places they'd lived and actually traced one line back to 1492 in England! So now I have a giant problem, because there is no way to fit that on one page. And I haven't even started my grandfather's side of the genealogy; or my mom's parents' sides!

But it's been absolutely fascinating to see who is in my family, what they've done, what their traditions were, and where they come from. I'm (distantly) related to five U.S. presidents just in my grandmother's line! I'm most closely related to General Grant and the other presidents are FDR (!), Lincoln (!), Pierce, and Taft. One of my ancestors helped found Dorchester, Massachusetts. One of my ancestors was an apprentice to one of the men who came to Plymouth Mass. on the Mayflower. One of my ancestors was the Secretary of State to Queen Mary of England. And one of my ancestors is my grandmother.

She is amazing; an absolute rock. She raised four children as a stay-at-home mom. She hand quilted dozens of quilts. She had a huge garden that she cultivated herself every year. She made doll clothes for my sister and me. She canned fruits and vegetables every year. She cooked amazing meals that I can only dream of recreating. She is a fantastic grandmother. I have been truly blessed to have her and my grandfather in my life, both during my childhood and for many years to come! I told her last week the day before her surgery that in our family, if you don't make it to at least 90 years old you're not really trying! It's true, though; my family lives forever.

I can honestly say that the genealogy work I've been doing is the best gift I could have gotten this holiday season. Living so far away from my family out West, it's easy to take them for granted. This has made me really connect with my family roots, which, in turn, makes me really appreciate my current family! It also makes me incredibly excited to start our new family in a few years. Family is the one thing that never goes out of style, no matter what role you play in it.

2008 Christmas Dinner (L to R) Grandpa, Aunt Kate, Grandma, and Me

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

'Tis the Season to Be...Shopping?

Black Friday that starts at 8pm on Thanksgiving night, Small Business Saturday that starts the evening of Black Friday, Cyber Monday that starts at 6pm on Sunday night...what's next? Opening presents on the 24th? Or New Year's Eve Eve parties?

Thanksgiving night I was playing cards with my future in-laws and getting ready to watch the Patriots game. We were laughing, eating too much, and talking football. The tall grandfather clock in the foyer struck eight and I laughed and said, "Oh good! Walmart's open; let's go start our shopping!" Everyone laughed and we all kind of took a minute to realize where we were and who we were with; we truly were thankful to be together in that moment.

I've done the Black Friday shopping thing before. While I understand the kinds of deals you can get when you shop on Black Friday, isn't it more important to spend time with your family instead of getting cheap gifts for them? And, let's be honest, how much of what you buy on Black Friday is really for your family? The two times I went Black Friday shopping, I did get most of the gifts on my list, but I also was sucked in by the amazing sales and bought a lot of things for myself.

It feels like we are pushed to buy buy buy for our family because that will show them that we love them. But are the presents what we really remember? I don't remember any of the gifts I got for my family on either Black Friday trip. I don't remember the things I got for myself on either trip. I don't really remember the gifts I've received for Christmases that aren't things I still use frequently (dress form, Cricut, sewing machine). I do remember the Thanksgivings and Christmases I've shared with my family in terms of conversations, dinners, and laughter.

I absolutely am about to take advantage of Cyber Monday to buy our Christmas cards. I love VistaPrint's selection and there are some great deals today. Other than that, my fiancé and I actually might be making all of the presents we give to people this year. I feel like homemade gifts mean more to family. My mom knitted me socks a couple of years ago; I still wear them and think about my mom every time I do. I've cross-stitched a couple of things for my grandparents and they framed them and hung them in their house. My dad wrote a book of poetry and gave it to us a few years ago and I still have it on my bookshelf. These gifts mean so much more than just running to the store, getting into a brawl, grabbing something off a shelf, and wrapping it.

My challenge to you (and myself) this holiday season is to take a second to stop, take stock of your family, and be grateful. My family isn't perfect, but I am so grateful to have every one of my relatives in my family. If you choose to give gifts this year, give something that you know means something both to you and the recipient of the gift.

Be in the moment every moment this holiday.

L to R: Emily (sister), me, Bridget (sister), Brandan (brother)

Conservatism: Black and White?

One of the things I'm learning as I "grow up" is that reality isn't as black and white as I generally like to believe. I have always been a this-is-correct-so-it's-good/this-is-wrong-so-it's-bad type of person. But looking at all the issues going on and how I feel about some of them, there are definitely things I never thought I would say.

When it comes to "family values" I am apparently a lot more conservative than I could have ever imagined. I didn't realize this until my fiancé and I were talking about raising kids. I plan on being what I see as "reasonable," very similar to the way I was raised. But looking deeper into what that means, it turns out that it is more "conservative" parenting than "liberal" parenting.

Now, of course, I about had a heart attack when my fiancé first brought this to my attention: conservatism is bad...isn't it? This has been going on for a few months. It's taken me a while to start to feel okay with it. I mean, I was raised in a "liberal" family, wasn't I?

I believe in being an incredibly present parent. I believe in loving my kids no matter who they are. I believe in telling my kids what they are and are not allowed to do or eat. I believe in disciplining my kids. I believe in being honest with my kids. I believe in having dinner together every night. I believe in having family game night on weekends instead of watching TV or going to a movie.

This is such a weird thing to be talking about since I don't even have kids. But it's important to see someone who used to be such a self-professed liberal accepting some more conservative ideals. I want to be perfectly clear: I am not going insanely conservative, but I'm also not a liberal extremist.

What would happen if our government took a lesson from this? Being a moderate means that we can see both sides and choose for ourselves what is right for us; not being a dogmatic follower of a certain party. Yes, I voted for Obama; yes, I worked for his campaign. But not because he is a Democrat; I believe in him, because I agree with most of his policies. Not all. Most.

Take a moment today and be with yourself. Decide what works for you; not what your party dictates that you should believe. It's harder than it seems like it should be. It's taken me months to be okay with it. But it's important. I'm glad I've taken some time with it.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

Are Public Schools Pushing Our Little Kids Too Much?

I hung out with a few kids a couple weeks ago and was surprised that a four-year-old didn't know all her letters. This morning I was talking about this kid with my mom, who is a preschool teacher at the University of Louisville's preschool, as well as a reading education specialist. She said that kindergarten is when kids really need to start learning their letters and possibly start learning to read. I looked it up after we got done talking, and on WebMD, it says that ages 6-10 is when kids should start reading. 

My mom told me, however, that their school is getting a lot of pressure to teach more reading and pre-reading techniques because the state is redoing the kindergarten screening procedure. There is now concern that kids are going to start being turned away from kindergarten classes if they don't know the alphabet or know how to read before they are screened for kindergarten. Now, if a kid's brain isn't ready to learn the alphabet, the kid isn't going to learn it. What is it going to do to kids if they are put in remedial groups starting in kindergarten? This is going to completely kill their self-esteem. All kids learn at their own rate. If the official age to learn to read is 6-10, then that means that kids should be able to read by the end of third grade. Third grade. Not kindergarten, not first grade, not before kindergarten!

My sister didn't start reading until first grade. My parents knew that she would be put in Title 1 and dubbed a "slow kid." So, both my sister and I were home schooled for a couple years. My parents held me out because they didn't think it would be good for me to be in public school and my sister to be home schooled; my sister might develop an inferiority complex if that were the case. Mom taught us at home, and it was great for both of us. My sister learned how to read close to the end of her first grade year, and the next year we were both put in public school. She was always within the top 5% of her class for the next 10 years of her public education!

My sister (left) and me playing when we were kids.

If my sister had been put in public school and forced to learn to read before she was ready,  she never would have learned it well at all. She would have been put in Title 1 and always been around kids who weren't even close to her intelligence level. She never would have been integrated in reading class and once she "learned" that she was "slow," there is no way of telling if that mentality and that learned behavior of not understanding concepts would have spilled over into other subjects.

Let your kids play. If they start picking letters out when they're 18 months old, great. If they don't, it's okay. Kids are supposed to play when they're young. The brain at the preschool age is working on learning social behaviors and how to interact with other people. If you are inundating little kids with stuff their brain isn't capable of learning, they won't learn the way they're hardwired to learn. Let them go play. Playing is the whole point of being a little kid, and it really seems like we are trying so hard to make them "smart" that we're not letting them be kids. 

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

Gratitude: Taking Time to Be Thankful

Wow! Yesterday there were 111 views of this blog! That makes me so excited! Thank you so much for all the support. I'm blown away by the sheer volume of people who have read it!

Today it is a beautiful day, so I thought it would be nice to write a post that reflects the sunshine!

Gratitude is something that is very important to me. It goes from a simple "thank you" when someone helps you out to feeling a sense of overwhelming love and thankfulness for someone or something in your life. Lately I have felt incredibly lucky and grateful for all the amazing things going on in my life, so I just wanted to share; not to brag or gloat, but in hope that it can make you aware of a person or a situation in your own life for which you can consciously be grateful today.

• My fiancé is the most wonderful person I know. He always puts our relationship and me ahead of everything else in his life. He goes to work every day so we can have financial stability and I can worry less about not having a secure job. He loves his job and prides himself on the work he puts into it. He says that making me smile is his favorite thing to do. He is an absolutely brilliant man and I am so lucky to have him in my life forever.
• My family is amazing! Even though I've moved, my parents and sister are still on the phone whenever I call. I know I can always count on them (all of them, not just the ones in Louisville!) to be there for me, and I see myself as lucky that I can be there for them, too.
• We have two fantastic kittens! They make me laugh every day and I love watching them grow.
• I get to look outside every day and see trees and grass. This might seem like a small thing, but getting to exist with nature and do yoga outside is so wonderful. 
• I have the luxury of having the time and equipment to exercise every day. I never thought I would live somewhere that has its own pool, gym, and tennis, basketball, racquetball, and volleyball courts! So many people don't get to exercise because of their work schedules or having nowhere to go, and it is amazing that I get to do this every day.
• We live in a country where I can write this blog and not worry about being arrested for it. I can say anything about politics or religion or anything else and I am not censored by the government. This is a privilege we have that is so amazing. I know to us it seems normal and an inalienable right that everyone should have (agreed), but take a minute and think about what our lives would be like if we didn't have it. Now think about the people in the countries who don't have it. 
• I have a life in which my main worries do not include having enough food every day, whether I will have a roof over my head tomorrow night or not, soldiers coming in during the night and killing my family and me, or having fresh drinking water for both the children and the adults in my community. So thankful for all of that, and so mindful of the people who do not have it.

So now I have two challenges for you. 

1) Think about something in your life that you are grateful for and let the feeling it gives you swallow you up. Feel every part of yourself being grateful for that thing or situation or person. Let it fill you and then carry it with you through today. 

2) Use that feeling to treat the people you interact with today with kindness and understanding. Allow yourself to feel grateful for them and then communicate that with them. Tell them how they make your life better, give them a compliment, tell them a joke; however you share your gratitude with someone, do that. Then assess how you feel. You might be surprised.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi